


My Madness. And You

by Demoneyedwanderer666



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Destiel Week, Gen, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-06
Updated: 2017-01-11
Packaged: 2018-09-15 06:52:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9223880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Demoneyedwanderer666/pseuds/Demoneyedwanderer666
Summary: A being of Normality and a being of Divinity.A being created by a love that shouldn't exist.Can a mere mortal and an angel keep their created chaos safe?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy this content! This story contains some stuff that was revealed in Season 12 of Supernatural and I used that concept for this story. Anyways, happy reading!

The moist atmosphere surrounded his stiff and turbulent body as he wandered into the wavering yet dying light of the lamp post. The crossroads made a strange crackling sound as the rain poured down, leaving no part of it dry and forgotten. His olive green jacket is withered and damp as he struggles to keep his eyes up, but strangely he still continues to walk and mumble with every pathetic step he took. No one else is around to see this disastrous being walk among them, his legs remained shivery and flimsy until he finally fell to the concrete edge of the footpath where the lamp stood. His shaky hands reached out and embraced the thin metallic structure but he never looked up, several seconds pass but he remains plastered and stuck. He tries to say something and he laments in pain. The ends of his dirty locks is filled with mud and rain and his lips keep moving and twisting. He began to grind his teeth and clench his fists as he placed his back on the lamp post; the yellow light submerged him and created a protective gleam around his stature, the view was unsightly and astounding at the same time.

Suddenly his hands are in his hair and he pulls at them harshly, the pain was clearly seen in his wintry green eyes as he held his breath and bit his wet lips. He raised his legs and buried his fragmented face in his knees, his grip still tight in his hair. The rain hasn't slowed down in his endeavor and even now he remains there all alone; you can see a mortal man with devastation in his eyes, but his heart still remains quiet as he cries on the soggy path. The man lifts his head slowly and glares at the light above him, the beams affect him eventually and he closes his eyes shut. His Adams apple bobs in its crestfallen state; for a while he remains content but he begins to choke and sigh gradually as more tears began to fall from his crinkled eyes.

And just like that the light above him fades. The starless sky devours his shadow and mortal being completely and he is nowhere to be seen. The downpour still continues and the ache, agony and spasm in the damp air began to manifest him. What expression did he wear? What kind of suffering has he endured?

He speaks, a mere whisper in the trembling inky stratosphere.

"I wish I could've stopped myself when I had the chance. Now I've lost you too..."

_"Please? come back"_


	2. Chapter 2

The summer heat was starting to prickle and wear out Dean's skin as he stood near the hood of his car, his sweaty palms remained in his jacket as he waited for his brother to leave the burger shack soon. His other hand kept a tight grip on his cell phone, his impatient persona clearly showing through his gritted teeth and pouted lips. Dean kept his gaze lowered and continued to straddle the phone in his humid pocket as he waited for a familiar sound to evade his ears, but nothing of the sort happened. He clicked his tongue and took out his phone so that he can check his inbox.

Still empty, he concluded in frustration.

"Still nothing?" Sam suddenly spoke through the crackling sounds of the plastic bags filled with their greasy lunch, Dean looked up at him and gave a small shake of his head. Sam; who was clearly worried for his brother placed the plastic packaging on the roof of the impala and stood beside his brother, Sam's eyes narrowed and became more comforting to look at as he drew nearer. "He's gonna reply okay? Its Cas we're talking about man. He'll definately tell us what's up" Sam spoke reassuringly "And in the mean time you have to focus on the job you already have, well, that and your burger and cream pie". Dean looked up at his brother and questioned whether he was joking about the pie, he saw that Sam was not kidding at all. Dean gave a satisfying hum in response as he was pleased to know that at least he had his dorky little brother to cheer him up when it was needed. "Come on. We gotta head out if we're gonna catch up to this damn case" Dean spoke as he straightened himself up and walked towards the driver seat door. Sam bobbed his head a little and got up himself for the ride.

Several weeks ago Castiel had gone missing, Dean had always thought that he left because of the recent events with Lucifer, him losing everything he ever strived for was a heavy burden to bear. Dean could see his weakened state but somehow his dense aura had drew him even closer to the being himself, he still laughs at how stupidly he acted when it was regarding Castiel. But during those last few days he could see that Cas was somehow withering away even more than usual. Sam would always look towards Dean and mouth the words 'Talk to him' whenever Castiel was distraught and spreading his misery. Dean decided to delay his talk because clearly Castiel was in no position to speak so thoroughly about his problems, but later that night Dean went lurking through the bunker and stood outside Castiel's room, he tiptoed slowly and placed his ear on the wooden door. He could hear small shuffles and movement on the bed and thought that Cas was asleep. He gave his conclusion more thought because Cas once told him that angels don't sleep, but wouldn't he need to fulfill some basic human needs even in this situation? He pondered for what felt like minutes until he heard a loud thud from Castiel's room. Out of sheer panic he kicked the door down rather than check if it was locked or not, but once he entered a sudden chill filled his lungs, he blinked several times and saw Castiel on the floor writhing in pain. Dean started saying his name several times and he held him close so that he could hear him breathe but once Dean held him his hands solidified and sent a stinging pain in his arms. He dropped Castiel due to the pain and he started to ask if everything was alright. Castiel faced Dean now in his current position and he struggled to get up. Once their eyes met Castiel's pupils dilated immensely and the crystal blue in his eyes started to evaporate, he was moaning some gibberish as he pushed himself towards his bedside dresser. Dean shuffled towards him but Castiel placed his hand in front him to keep Dean at a safe distance. Dean's throbbing hands were placed on the floor as he remained in crawling position until he finally sat down. A slight fog started to build up in front of him and he couldn't understand why. He looked at Cas and asked him what was wrong. At first Cas refused to speak and they both remained on the floor for several silent seconds; but Castiel broke the ice when he started to cough out some dark fluid into his hands. Dean knew that it was his blood and his eyes widened at the sight. Dean moved towards him again but this time Cas shouted at him to stop. 

"Damn it Cas I need to know if you're okay! You need to let me help you right NOW" Dean beckoned as he stood up and took a few steps closer towards Castiel. "Dean I'm sorry, but I can't let you come near me. I'm hurting-" Castiel wavered with his words. Dean kept his face rigid and calm as he stood straight, he could hear Sam's footsteps behind him and they were getting closer. "I know you're hurting, but I'm gonna fix that okay? We're gonna fix you and it'll be okay" Dean spoke in his softest tone.

"No Dean! You don't understand- its not me who's hurting" Castiel breathed as he looked at Dean, his eyes felt even more deeply connected to his as Castiel struggled to finish his sentence "Dean, **I'm the one who's hurting you** " he finished agonizingly "Dean if I stay near you any longer I'll end up destroying you, I can't stay here with you or Sam any longer!... I thought- that my condition wouldn't worsen but its not working! I'm so sorry Dean-" Castiel cried as he placed his hand on his chest and gripped on his shirt. Sam and Dean completely phased out when they heard Castiel's voice rise, they both looked at each other and both of them wore the same confused expression in the dense aura. Dean's eyes began to fill up as he stood there with his mouth agape.

"Cas I- I don't understand... Why are you talking like that? You're fine and you'll be getting better if you just let me help you! Let me come to you and we'll sort things out!" Dean spoke harshly now, he started to walk towards Castiel and he felt a slight twinge in his chest, the twinge started to amplify and soon the vessels in his heart started to stretch out. Dean fell to his knees at the sudden pain and he started to breathe forcefully but no air would enter his lungs. Dean could hear Sam shuffle behind him in his scared state, but Dean didn't falter, he kept his gaze on Castiel and he continued to plead through his eyes. _Please? Please? Why are you doing this?_. Cas' eyes began to water up and his mouth began to move, but no sound could leave his drenched lips. Sam held Dean from the back and he kept calling his name so that he could respond somehow, this time it was Castiel who shifted and dragged himself towards the wooden wall. Dean could feel some air invade his lungs and he loosened up in Sam's massive arms. 

"See?- I- I hurt you. I'm hurting you... I'm so sorry. Dean, I've lost control over myself..." Castiel mumbled sadly, but Dean pushed himself out of Sam's arms and crawled towards Castiel. He grabbed him by the shoulders and placed Cas' forehead on his own, Dean's hands were shaking as he placed it on Cas' cold brittle skin as he slid it cautiously. Dean looked at him again and asked him once more if Cas needed his help, but at that moment the familiar warmth they had felt several times before began to surround them, the heat was satisfying and was strangely addictive and they both craved it even more the closer they got to one another. Castiel's blood dripped from his beautiful lips but somehow he had forgotten the pain he was feeling several minutes ago, Dean beckoned him with his eyes, to follow him and take the first few steps out of the room but in that brief second Cas drew in even closer and nuzzled hs face towards Dean's left ear, Castiel's voice cracked as he spoke these words to him.

**"I've created a monster Dean. I've created our monster. And I'm so sorry"**

And the same way he held him a few moments ago, the same way he had faded away and disappeared. Those words still bothered Dean and Castiel was still nowhere to be found. It has been several weeks since his disappearance and he still doesn't understand what Castiel had meant.

Monster? Our monster? These words kept repeating in Dean's head and he wanted to make it stop. He wanted answers. His thoughts kept driving him mad as the sun had set, the sky had become even duller as they crossed by several graveyards and towns along the way. Dean's hand remained on the steering wheel as he heard Sam shuffle in his seat beside him. Sam had nodded off a while ago and they had to stop by the next town for their case, but they would be driving for more than a couple of miles. The engine hummed noisily as Dean drove off into the broken oranges and yellows of the sunset. The silent ride had started to create a very familiar ache in his chest and he couldn't help but worry again, he was left with his thoughts again and that wasn't a good sign at all. Dean delayed his blinking by keeping his eyes closed for a short period of time, his lips were trembling as he started to recite a little prayer.

_You can ignore texts and calls but God damn it you can't ignore this you bastard, Dean thought. Cas, I need to know what happened, I need to know if you're gonna be okay. I need you to hear me for Christ's sake. Please tell me if you'll be fine, please don't torture me this way or else I'll fucking slaughter you. Just come back and we'll talk this out, okay?_

Dean slid his hand over his upper lip and gradually placed it there when he opened his eyes, the road was still in front of him but the calming colors of the sun were no more, all there was left was the foggy air in the empty sky, he accelerated until the impala purred and jolted on the somewhat unstable rocky road.


	3. Chapter 3

Several days have passed since we finished our last case, Sam thought as he held a warm mug in his hands. He stood next to the massive table where the small red pins were placed on the yellow map. The coffee's aroma had filled Sam with glee and ecstasy and he couldn't help but keep it in his hands the whole time. He took a small sip and walked towards the two steps that led him to another room; there he saw Dean with his face planted on the dusty wooden table. Sam had noticed this strange pattern ever since Cas left and he knew what was going on in his brother's mind. The case had ended and that gave Dean more time to be pensic and melancholic and Sam didn't know what else to do but wait until he could help him out.

Sam had contacted Crowley ever since the day Cas left in his weakened state, Crowley seemed unamused and his wit had been hard to bear for Sam but his help was definitely needed in this situation. Dean was unaware of what his brother was doing but Sam didn't think it was necessary to tell him anything until they had a lead on Cas. Sam watched Dean for a while and he turned away in the other direction and back to the room he was in several minutes ago. Sam looked at his side of the bunker and started to wander through the narrow halls. He grasped onto the ceramic handle of his mug and he continued to roam, the silent atmosphere inundated in his ears as he grew drowsy by the coffee's scent. As he walked he ended up reaching the storage room and a sudden memory appeared in his head, his lips curved into a smirk as he remembered it vividly. His pocket started to vibrate and he came back to his current reality, he took his phone out and answered instantly.

*********************************************

_Dean is taking forever to get the bacon from the storage room, Sam thought irritatingly as he waited for his brother to bring the food. Dean was constantly bugging him to try his version of bacon, which is not much different from normal bacon in Sam's perspective, but the giddy look Dean gave him when he said 'sure' was enough to keep his mind busy. Several minutes passed but he didn't return so Sam got up and quickly strolled towards the storage room. The door was clearly wide open and he could hear plastic bags and bottles being moved around in the metallic shelves inside. Sam opened his mouth to call out his brother's name but he stood quietly when he heard another familiar voice inside. "I'm sorry but it seems I have dropped the mustard" Castiel said in his apologetic monotonic tone.  
"Cas I told you to find the bacon what the hell are you doing going through the bottle sections?" Dean scolded as he rushed in the room. Sam could hear something wet plop onto the ground and he supposed that Dean was cleaning the mess Cas made. "You told me to look so I was just looking through the places you didn't go through" Cas replied, he was clearly annoyed and Sam held in a small chuckle. "Okay okay don't be mad, once we find the bacon and I cook it for you and Sammy you'll forget about my nagging" Dean joked as he moved deeper inside. Sam kept his ears near the door but he could only hear bits and pieces of their conversation, he still waited patiently. _

_"Bacon bacon Bacon where are you Bacon" Dean hummed as he went through the meat section again, he liked to call it the meat section even though clearly there was nothing but wrappers on the shelf. He heard Cas turn up behind him and also look at the shelf where Dean was digging. "What is so special about this bacon Dean? I've seen you obsess over it several times but I've never seen you eat your own" Castiel spoke calmly near Dean's right side "You see Cas there are two reasons as to why my bacon rocks, number 1: its made by yours truly and number 2: I have a secret ingredient" he guffawed childishly "Aah! Found it!"._

 _

Dean carried the rock hard bag in his hand and took a whiff of it, he scrunched his nose a bit as he questioned the contents inside the bag. He looked up and saw Castiel place his pink hands on his mouth, clearly he found Dean's stupidity entertaining. Cas' giggling became contagious and Dean himself caught himself laughing "Eh I think a little expired bacon won't hurt him, he's put worse things in him before" Dean laughed as he stuck out his tongue. Cas playfully hummed back and smiled, his eyes took a lighter shade of his usual blue under the light; Dean felt absorbed by his quirky and ravishing looks and for a moment they forgot what they were doing. Cas sighed and looked towards his feet, still wearing his fascinating smile.

"I've missed this" he breathed soothingly as he slid his hands in his trenchcoat pockets.

"Yeah"

"I missed you"

" Yeah, me too" Dean confided as he looked at Cas' shy face. Dean placed the cold packet on the tip of Castiel's nose and caught back his attention.

"Come on, Sammy must be pissed by now" Dean asserted as he started to walk towards the door "I'll make you some too".

"Alright I'll eat it, but you never told me the secret ingredient" Cas reacted as he followed Dean slowly.

"I didn't?" 

Castiel shook his head as he pouted and rolled his eyes comically "Well, instead of using new oil, I cook the Bacon in the oil I used for making a cheese omelete, which adds all the greasy goodness" Dean grinned as he revealed his oh so huge secret. Castiel laughed at his delight and started walking towards him faster.

"Wow, that is pure genius!..I love it" Cas gleamed as he blinked in an adorable manner.

"Yeah. I know"

"Just like you"

"Heh, I know" Dean murmured as he walked outside into the wooden halls.

_

****************************************************************

"I wish we could restart" Dean whispered as he recalled those last few moments he spent with Cas, he kept his throbbing head on the cold wooden surface of the table even though he was uncomfortable, but he didn't bother moving. He held his own hand tightly and crushed them between his thighs and stopped the blood flow so that the throbbing could lessen somehow.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Sam's shadow appear with speed and soon his giant structure stood before him. Sam's eyes were wide and he was panting from the rushed running.

"Sammy?" Dean asked with a hint of concern in his tone.

"Dean..." He slowly answered as he caught his breath "Crowley called..."

"We found him. We found Cas".


	4. Chapter 4

The morning dew was intoxicatingly strong as Sam and Dean rustled out of the impala's warm seats; there was a chill in the air and Dean felt uncomfortable because of it. He rushed towards the designated location Crowley had told them over the phone, he started to walk away so fast he didn't even give Sam time to conjure up a solution in their current situation. Dean's impatience grew as he waited for his brother to walk up to him, Sam directed his nod towards his brother as he gulped in some air. "Even Crowley sounded weird on the phone. What the hell is going on with Cas?" Sam spoke with a sudden weight in his voice. They stood outside of a tall massive building; the red brick wall had been chipped in many places and the color itself was fading, the white wooden panels shook a bit every time a small gust of wind approached the unstable structure. This building was practically in the middle of nowhere, it was surrounded by a broken barb wire fence and everything outside this place was surrounded by wild grass. There was only one road which led them here and there weren't any towns if they travelled even further beyond this point. Both of them inhaled deeply as they reached the entrance of the building, the door was missing from its hinges but they paid it no heed and continued onwards. Dean's heart rate couldn't seem to settle as he took his long and frustrated steps towards the white room in front of him. The wallpaper was torn and scratched on all the walls he could see and he couldn't help but feel haunted by the vague emptiness of it.

"Hello boys" Crowley interrupted as Dean was preoccupied with his observations; Crowley's black coat hung low on him and his black shawl complemented his neck and shoulders well. Sam stood beside Dean and glared at Crowley until he reacted accordingly.  
"Don't you look at me like that moose. I've done my part in this whole shenanigan and now its your job to deal with this mess" Crowley complied as he started to stroll in circles in the small room. "Crowley, what you said on the phone, you said it isn't good what's happening to Cas. We kind of need you to elaborate on the 'not good' part" Sam spoke cautiously as he drew nearer towards him.

"It may seem gravely impossible once I speak about it,but you two must know that what has happened is indeed....uncommon" Crowley concluded as he stopped his walk. Dean looked up towards him, a choleric gleam erupting in his eyes as he stood with his arms crossed.

"Try us"

My body felt drained while I lied on this dusty mattress, the longer I kept staring at the pale walls the more hollow I felt inside. I arched my back a little more so that my spine wouldn't look crooked but the sudden pain caused me to stop mid way, out of breath I lay down and watch the ceiling instead. There was a hole in the middle of it where a fan used to be and well there was nothing more to look at on the beige surface. I tried to occupy myself by thinking of other things but sadly it was hard for me to even breathe right now. All of a sudden I hear someone approaching my door, reflexively I turn my head towards it and waited for Crowley to enter but something felt different in his usual stride as I listened intently. The door gradually opened and a mundane face appeared before me on the verge of tears, it was Dean. I lifted myself up and sat at the edge of the bed and tried to get up but before I could Dean was on his knees in front of me. He wore his slightly worn out brown leather jacket which I was accustomed to, his usual plaids were so calming to see as he sat in front of me. I couldn't help but bite my lip as I tried to calm myself down; Dean kept looking at me with his bold green eyes and his breaths were fidgety and abrupt on my skin, I could've started wailing just by looking at him right now. Dean placed his warm hands on my own and gripped them tightly, he looks up to me and says: 

"From the start, tell me everything"

*******************  
**There was a reason as to why God created differences, strange and sometimes ordinary attributes became a part of us and our entire being. The creator and the savior of all mankind, that was the image of God in everyone's eyes. The same way He created us and in the same way we created Him in our heads; some bad and some good, but who were we to decide what is good or bad for us? Was it always necessary to judge and create conclusions? Was this the purpose of our existence?**

**Several years ago I collected the pieces of this man, I constructed him and envisioned him back to life. And something within me...changed. I grew fond of him, considered him an ally. I broke him and he broke me too, he brought me back and I pushed him further into the pits of despair. I weeped and he screamed for me too, he laughed and I laughed along beside him. I trusted him and he trusted me too, I loved him but he... Loved me too I guess?**

**Our bond never faltered, we gave in to the passion and that was what made me create it.**

**A Nephilim.**

**My body was not like a common man's, I had no womb to conceive a child nor did my angelic entity have anything to build it up with. But somehow this Nephilim still existed, its soul was gradually and slowly evolving within me, not physically but in fact the soul was embedded within my brain's structure, it erupted like an idea, like a demon possessing a human body, and once it grew enough it would leave my body and create a body of its own.**

**A parasite.**

**I couldn't comprehend what was abiding within me, I had no knowledge what so ever. But this creature would never see the light of day, it was an abomination and it would cause destruction once it left its host. As I grew aware of it I knew that it would end me, I considered stabbing myself countless times but the knife never reached my hands.**

 **I considered changing hosts but my languid body did not allow it. I let the nephilim manifest me further but soon I grew fond of it, I learned to cherish it, call it something. But my adoration for it resulted in excess growth, and because of me I would bring calamity to this earth.  
Dean existed in this nephilim. I existed in this nephilim. How could I destroy something that we both could learn to cherish?**

 **

I wanted to protect it, guarantee its safety and protect it from harm. My brother and sisters in heaven grew wary and displeased, they looked at me with disgust and hatred and they refused to be near something that created a monster. I was left alone in my endeavor, I carried this personage and I let it grow. I begged for the pain to stop somehow but it wouldn't listen, the beautiful thing I created wouldn't listen. I wanted to have it, whatever it was I would accept it because it was mine.

His and mine.

**

  
**************************************

Castiel was holding onto Dean, his hands gripped onto the back of his jacket as Dean held him, the sobbing mess he already was. Dean buried his face into Castiel's bony shoulder and he kept it there while he cried his heart out. They gasped and moaned like synchronized idiots in love, Dean placed small kisses onto Castiel's frail head and lifted him up. They were both looking at each other now, dazed and confused as to what might happen next. Dean kept his face close to Castiel's, they couldn't understand what they were going to do with this mess.

"I can't believe you actually managed to create something...that big" Dean spoke softly as he laced his fingers on Castiel's back "I can't believe its actually ours". Castiel smiled and then began to cry again, he hid his face in the corner of Dean's neck just so he could let it out somehow.

"They won't let it be born Dean. They're going to kill it..." Castiel sniffled as he buried his nose even further into Dean's skin. He could feel his pulse slowing down but Cas just wanted Dean to give him a solution, for him to find some way to protect it.

"Cas... I don't know what we can do. A Nephilim can't be brought into this world, it'll destroy everything we wanted to protect. Including you..." He continued in his choked up voice. Dean held Cas' face in his hand and gave him a chaste kiss, his lips began to quiver as he deepened it and enraptured Castiel completely. The sweetness of his taste had made Castiel dizzy and scared, he knew what this meant and for some reason he wanted Dean to stop. But instead he delved into the moment and pressed his lips even further, their lips indulged themselves as they closed the distance between them.

A strange warmth invaded Castiel's heart and for a moment he could feel the nephilim hum inside him, the joy and sorrow he felt began to erupt and Castiel's tears were streaming again. Dean continued to kiss him and try to distract him somehow but even his heart had swollen up as he held Cas in his arms. They were scared, so damn scared to let each other go.

They finally paused and drifted away, Dean stroked Castiel's skin slowly and yearningly, his green eyes wandered all over Castiel's face and they glowed with a dense passion as he continued to look. He gave him a smile as his tears fell and dampened his shirt. "Is there no other way?" Dean whispered as his hands slid down to Castiel's neck and then his chest.

"No"  
"Can't we wait until its...out of you? I mean...they don't know if its bad..."

"A Nephilim is a Nephilim. If I can't contain it then no one else can"

"Oh. I understand"

"Dean?"

"Hmm?"

"I...don't want to give it up."

"I don't want to either"

They entwined their rugged fingers and sat in silence for a few seconds more, the sun started to lower in the evening sky and the wintry cool breeze had ceased outside and the windows and walls grew silent, it seemed that the world itself had turned into a hollow carapace.  
"Cas" he spoke through his tears "Don't make me do this, please...."

"I can't do anything Dean, we created it and now... we have to end it..."

"But I can't okay?! The only way to kill it is by- God damn it! **I just can't!** "

"Please don't make this even harder for me-"

"Harder for you? What about how I feel about all of this? You think this is something I would want to do? And to you of all people?"

"Dean- if it isn't you then I won't be able.... If its not you then someone else will get me. At least if its you I'll...be able to go and not be so damn angry about it"

"But Cas... This is just too much. I don't want this, ju- just listen to me. We'll let it take form once its evolution is complete. We'll protect it, we'll run away if we have to but please don't make me do this! Anything but this..."

"Dean... You know we can't. These things are forbidden for a reason, okay? I hate this so much because even after trying so hard I've failed. Again and again and again I've just FAILED and let you down!" Cas started to cry out "I've given up everything in my life and for once I thought that this was right. That you were right, and good and kind and beautiful and that everything would be okay. But now... They want to take this away from me too". Dean watched as Cas bit hard on his lips so that his gasps can reduce somehow, but he knew that there would be no end to this, he held his breath and started kissing Cas' neck and soon his cheeks profoundly just to quiet him down somehow.

"I wish I never came back..." Dean mumbled into Cas' ear.

"Don't say that.."

"Its true, I wish I fucking stayed in the ground! That way we never would've met and Sammy would still be happy and free from all of this bullshit! So much could've been stopped if I just stayed dead..."

"D-... Do you really mean that?"

"Ugh... Gooooood of course I don't. But damn it Cas, for once I just... I just-"

"I know"

"I love you, you wonderful piece of angel crap"

"Sigh. I know"

"Is it really over? After all these years?"

"I-... I'm afraid so"

"Hey?"

"Yeah?"

"I was wondering, can I-I don't know... See it at least?"

"Dean it doesn't really have a face... I dont know if-"

"Yeah. Okay okay. I get it"

"But I bet it has your eyes, I'm sure of it"

"Hmm. It would've been nice to see it... I guess that's just the way it is"

They remained on the floor and stared at the filthy wall in front of them, they barely moved as they gazed into nothingness. Exhaustion had taken over Dean while he continued to strain his eyes, Castiel also sat still in his cross legged position as he breathed steadily. Dean rubbed his swollen red eyes and looked towards the dusty window frame, the light inside the room started to decrease as he saw the sun fall down.

And within minutes the dark evaded them once more.

**********************************

After an hour or two Dean got up and carried Castiel back to the worn out mattress he laid in, he could hear shuffling outside of the door and presumed that Sam was listening, he knew his brother well and he was aware that Sam would not interrupt them,especially now. Cas placed his back upright towards the wall as he made space for Dean on his bed. His eyes were drowning in the colors of blue and gold as he looked at Dean reaching towards an object on his back. Castiel could hear the clean and slick sound of the blade as it came into contact with Dean's clothes, the emergence of that sound created a ringing buzz in his ears but he remained calm. Dean slowly approached the bed and sat down in front of Castiel as he held the blade in his hands, Castiel looked up at Dean and saw him restraining himself, he found it even more difficult to breathe as he caught a glimpse of his glossy eyes before he shut them for good. He comforted Dean by placing his hands under his warm chin, as he lifted his face he kissed him on his forehead, the heat and pulsating fear felt soft on his lips as he dragged it for as long as he could.

"C-Cas?" Dean spoke delicately as he kept his grip on the blade tight "Will I see you again?"

Castiel's eyes narrowed and finally closed as he let out a small sigh, his voice cracked as he breathed but he managed to answer without grieving all over again. "I.. Actually don't know".

"You better come back. No matter how long it takes... Okay?"

"Dean-"

"Okay so that's settled" Dean interrupted before he could answer. He placed the sharp edge of the blade on his chest and just grazed it on his shirt, Castiel looked at Dean's delay and just watched the blade poke him. "Cas, please... Don't look down. Ju- just look at me". Castiel's heart started to beat quite fast as he slowly brought his eyes back to Dean's, he wore a small deprived smile on his face as he watched a hunter struggle while trying to kill another person.

_I thought angels were supposed to be guardians. Fluffy wings. Halos._

_Who are you?_

_I'm sorry but I'd rather have you, cursed or not._

_Damn its good to see you._

_Cas, I know you can hear me._

_Where the hell are you man?_

_You're family._

_I need you. We need you._

_This isn't you!_

_I need you here man._

_Cas, buddy I need you._

_Come back to me, please._

_I wish you were here._

An agonizing scream echoed in the blackened room as Castiel felt a heavy object pierce through his skin. Thick warm drops of blood began to lace around Dean's fingers as he kept the blade in position, both of them had closed their eyes as they encountered the chaos. Castiel had only a few moments to actually feel something again, his skin radiated immense pain and his eyes felt as if they were being pulled out of their sockets. Dean began to cradle his body as it began to grow limp and empty in his bloody hands, Castiel himself could feel his aura shake and tremble inside his vessel and the strange humming in his ears had gradually stopped.

_Do you feel it too? That pain?_

_I'm sorry things couldn't work out, I really did want to keep you._

_Both of us think and feel the same, and I apologize for ending you this way. But.. We couldn't win. No matter how much we tried we couldn't win. Dean couldn't protect us because you were hurting him too, weren't you?_

_After all we were all connected, you were a result of this. Me and Dean, did you know? He and I were gullible enough to fall. He sacrificed everything for me and I for him. Your existence showed me how much we could fight, even though you intoxicated me all those years you also gave me strength. You helped me protect the man I love and his family. My family. I learned what it meant to be human for once. You strange entity, I thank you._

_I wish I could've seen you grow into this world, we'd be by your side as you saw the goodness of this earth and beyond it. You would've had his eyes and his quirky personality, you would've been accepted and adored. But sadly, the world was not ready for you.  
The world was not ready, for you. For me, and for Dean._

_I wish my goodbyes would end somehow, I wish our ending could've been different._

_I'm sorry for my false promises, and I'm sorry for so many things. But sadly I'm slowly fading away._

_Dean?_

_Dean._

_Thank you, for helping me create something that we could call our own._

_Dean?_

_Please protect Sam, and please protect yourself. I'll try to find my way back._

_I promise._


	5. Chapter 5

_The air around me felt heavier somehow as I walked towards a small sillouhete in the corner of my room. My feet instantly began to graze the floor as I kept drawing myself even closer to the strange pattern on my wall. The size wasn't as massive or threatening as I thought, the figure was almost... Child-like. Cautiously I lift my clammy hands towards it; I held my breath and poked it gently. My fingers felt absorbed by the soft figure and while I pulled my hand back the fingers were covered by black ink. A massive headache erupted and I fell to the ground and ended up slamming my head. The blood slowly oozed out as I tried to blink correctly, my chest hardened and I drifted off within moments._

**Come on. You're better than this.**

**Hmm? Am I really though?**

**You know what I mean**

**I don't really know what's happening anymore.**

**... Oh. Well, did you see him?**

**The shadow?**

**Yes.**

**Yeah, I did.**

**Ho- How did it feel?**

**It felt... Weird, to be very honest.**

**Aah, I see.**

**Is that really him?**

**Heh, yes. Yes it is.**

_The voice started to cry a little in his speech, I knew very well who it was and honestly I... I wasn't sure if this was actually happening to me._

**I... I think I have to go now.**

**Dean?**

**Dean.**

"Dean?" 

"Yeah, yeah. I heard you." Dean replied after a while "I'll be out in a while Sammy". Dean continued to pick at his skin as he glared at himself in the mirror of the bathroom. His eyes were more buggy than usual and his nose looked oilier too. He was bare above his waist and the accumulated steam in the bathroom tickled his wet head. Dean looked towards his right shoulder and placed his hand on it. He slid his warm hand lower and lower until he stopped at a small spot above his elbow. He gave out a small sigh at the sensation and was lost again once more. 

""Dean? - u- uh... You okay in there?" Sam knocked again once more as Dean delayed even further. Dean took a step towards the door that divided him and Sam and he placed his forehead slowly. His eyes began to burn as he felt the urge to let out a pathetic moan but he bit his lips instead. "I'm still catching up, but yeah. I'm gonna be fine". He could feel Sam nod his head outside the door as he replied, a few seconds later he heard Sam's footsteps fade away, and at that moment Dean found the opportunity to finally sit down and give out a long and desperately needed 'Fuck'. 

A year had passed since Cas' death, their routine almost remained the same, they found cases and worked on them and just... Remained. Sam shared a few jokes and comments during that time but Dean sort of delayed his reactions to each and every attempt. Crowley would send a text every now and then and his mishaps were surprisingly less this year. Dean kept his focus and remained determined in the process, but during the beginning he could tell that something didn't feel right inside him. 

His final moments with Castiel proved to be very heavy and brutal and somehow being the one responsible for his death was something he couldn't accept. The recurring nightmares still continued, at times Dean felt so much pain in his abdomen that he would start screaming out whenever he woke up. Sam was frustrated with his brother's worsening condition and strange blights would appear on Dean's stomach. Everything seemed to fall apart at first, painkillers were the only thing that helped Dean sleep at night but later he gradually got better. One evening Dean remembered how when Cas felt pain he always clutched his chest or abdomen, and the fact that Dean had a similar reaction worried him. Dean sat down on a wooden chair and straightened his back on it, he rocked his body slowly and the chair's creaking sounds reverberated hauntingly. 

_My chaos, my chaos. Where did you go? He brought you to me and then took you away. Hmm... Hmm.... Hmm_

This tune left Dean's lips smoothly and left a strange taste in his mouth, his words craved for his lost nephilim and his lost angel. 

_Forbidden, forbidden. Oh child you're forbidden._

His fingers tapped angrily on the chair's arm and the creaking started to get louder. Dean was aware of his state and so he quickly got up and shook his head abruptly, the shakes were starting to blur his vision and he waited until he calmed down. The room seemed upside down and he took this as a chance to run out. He called out for his brother and ran anyways hoping that the pain would stop soon. 

_My chaos, my chaos. Where did you go?_

_My madness, my madness. We're united at last. ___

*******************************

The fallen leaves and twigs crunched under Sam's feet as he walked besides his brother in the empty street. The evening sky was painted in gorgeous colors of marigold and vermilion and Sam was awestruck by it's beauty. Dean also smiled when a cold breeze passed and he shivered in response, they continued to walk towards no destination at all and they enjoyed every moment. 

"Hey Dean. I had a strange dream last night. I-It's not anything bad b-but, I felt some peace when it ended". Dean looked up at Sam and raised an eyebrow suggestively "Its not one of your weird ass wet dreams is it?". Sam frowned in response and ignored Dean's answer as he continued "Cas was there, so I just wanted you to be a bit serious in a way". Dean's pace slowed down and he started to wear a tired expression "Alright, shoot". 

"It was a place similar to this, but instead of the road imagine a huge ground, a hill even. The place is covered in grass but instead of it being windy and colorful it was snowy and still. I couldn't see myself but I could observe everything in front of me, all of a sudden I see two figures somewhere ahead and instinctively I moved towards them. One figure was bigger than the other and they seemed very casual as they stood there. They appeared as shadows first but once I drew in closer I could see that one of the figures was Cas. His trenchcoat was longer and tidier than the ones he wore recently and he was... Smiling..." 

"Before I could call out to him I saw him give out a hearty laugh at the person beside him. I looked at the small figure and saw that it was a child, he seemed to be a boy. Cas held out his hand towards the boy and he took it, but before I could scream Cas finally noticed me. He was a little shocked but once he kept looking at me his eyes began to close and he started to cry. I-I was stunned just to see him at all, once his tears fell the kid turned and started to look at me curiously, I felt completely frozen in my place and I didn't know what to do. But then... Cas finally opened his eyes again and smiled. And it was... Genuine, you know?. His head dropped a little and his eyes completely melted into his tears, but then he put his hands in his pockets and said to me _'Tell him I miss him'_ so instinctively I thought of you and I nodded, but then he thought for a while again and he held the child closer, and then he said _'Also, tell him this... Tell him that we're safe because of him. And that I'll continue protecting the both of you even if I'm not there'._ I felt myself walk away even though I didn't move and soon the dream ended and I was... Back here". 

Sam watched Dean as he kept his head low and he seemed even shorter than before, they stood silently under an old and wide tree and they felt the wind and leaves in their hair. Dean looked up with a calm face and asked "Did you get a good look at the kid?". Sam nodded hesitantly and he just went with the flow "What were the color of his eyes?" Dean asked as he started to move forward, Sam was confused by the strange question but he answered anyways. 

"They were green, very similar to yours actually" 

Dean continued to walk but his shoulders looked a little more stiff than they usually were, but as soon as Sam caught up he saw an unexpected smile plastered on his brother's face. Dean's cheeks looked more plum and pink and his eyelashes glowed with the evening sun, his smile was warm and comforting to the eye and Sam was so glad to see him this way. Dean kept wondering when the depression would take over but strangely his heart felt lighter in his chest. He started to walk a little faster and soon he began to run, Sam didn't notice at first but once Dean hustled he also ran after him. Dean's laughter began to invade Sam's ears as the fierce crunching grew under their feet, his long legs gave him more speed and he crossed His brother in no time. He turned around and saw a glow in Dean's eyes. 

The Sun's rays were reflecting behind Dean and they created a curve like image on his back,the bright glittery glow reminded him of something but strangely he could not recall. As he saw Dean pant they made eye contact for a brief second, until it finally hit him. The same color resided in the child from his dream and he felt quite stupid to be realizing it now, Sam smiled back at his brother and Dean hummed back happily before they started to walk back, Dean kept his hands in his jacket pockets and he looked at the sky above him. He started to sing a little under his breath as he watched the colors fade. 

_My chaos, my chaos. You're finally no more._

_You've taken me with you, and with you I'll stay._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I know. It was hard for me to write this! I hope it wasn't boring or disappointing to read, and if it was I'm truly sorry! I'm still learning :p   
> I got this idea during season 12 when Lucifer got that human girl pregnant and honestly I thought it would be interesting to have a scenario where Cas was the one who created a human and an angel child or Nephilim in this case. I hope you enjoyed it and I'll try to get better soon! <3


End file.
